Antennating

So, it is exam times again, and I am learning that I am not prepared for most of them. I will be able to pass them, that has not been an issue yet. Still I wonder, taking classes has not done me the justice of knowledge I wanted at university level. It is not the professor’s fault, I am not asking enough(or any questions) when I should. I honestly don’t want to speak much, feel too anxious about asking questions in class.

Even though the subjects that I have taken exams of may not be taught again to me formally in a class setup, but I think I am confident to say that, the journey of these topics in my head and life has not ended. I want to understand these topics better, more so when the exams have ended and I do not have to rush them to give an exam or complete an assignment. Sometimes the idea of a subject being in the curriculum makes it unlikable for the time being, given the restrictions of topics I have to complete and take an exam for in a limited time

Yes, I accept that I maybe be two faced when I complain about the college and professor, and say that I am not gonna study this or that subject after university again. But here I am saying that it, in fact, those are just outrage of my emotions in the moment and does not reflect my true rational opinions about any subject or my college and professors. They are doing what they can in the limited time, and trying to make us learn the topics in the syllabus in the way that get us through. I don’t like rushing through topics or classroom type learning, nothing bad on the college, just the way I am wired, I need time and proper one on one conversations(which I am unable to have most of the time).

I wish to never leave education, my real life problems prove to be causing difficulties which oppose these ideals. Nevertheless, I wish to gather more knowledge, until I die, I want to be with the books and subjects/topics that intrigues me, even if a subject seems boring and not interesting enough, I would like to give them a go, sometimes, our brain cannot fathom the complexities and uniqueness of problems in a subject until we are knee deep(or completely drowned) into them. Thus, should not look at a subject and say it is not beautiful enough, or deep enough, or interesting enough, until you have gone and explored it properly. Step foot in the knowledge body, and let it tell you that the book that I once read, and judged the subject for being boring or so, was just a poorly written one, and there exists volumes of books and topics in the subject that will take you on a long journey only if you let it do so.

I hope I stop complaining about things in life, I don’t really have a problem with them, but sometimes complaining helps release the stress that’s all.